I'm Still Here

I know it's been a while since I've been here. Almost two months. But honestly, I just had no desire to write about anything. Actually, I had no desire to do anything. I could feel myself slipping downhill but I just didn't have any energy left to fight it. I had fought it for so long and nothing was working so I just gave up. Not good I know. But I made it through. I guess I should really say that I am *making* it through. I'm still not there yet, not even close, but I'm back to fighting. Even if it seems futile on most days. 

Anyways, I know part of the reason I was slipping deeper into my depression was the fact that I was dreading October. You know Green Days "Wake Me Up When September Ends?" Well, change September to October and you have my feelings about this month. I absolutely positively hate this month. Sure I love fall, pumpkins, crunchy leaves, and cooler temperatures but I hate one day of this month so much that it ruins the entire thing for me. My grandpa died in October when I was 16. I know most people understand hating the day of a loved one's death but usually it's just a day, not the entire month. But I've so many emotions about that day (namely guilt) that every day is just a build up of those feelings. And every October for the past 11 years have been bad. Some were worse than others (like the 5 year and 10 year anniversaries. Seriously, why do the "big number" anniversaries suck just that much more?) but usually I could deal with it. Not this year...

I know part of the reason this month is so much harder than normal is that I'm still dealing with losing granny. But even before losing her, I could  feel myself dropping. And no matter how much I fought it, I couldn't stop it from happening. And I had to deal with so many people getting sick from cancer (seriously, w/in 2 years I've known 2 people to die from the disease and three others to be diagnosed and fight it) and just everyday stuff and graduating from school and not knowing what to do now and it just was too much. I don't even know if a stable person could deal with all the changes and challenges. And it just didn't seem worth the fight anymore. Nothing was making a difference. No matter what you do, you can't control the world around you. But I could control my little section. I could control it as long as I didn't leave it. But you can't stay holed up. You have to leave that safety zone. And I don't know...it's like I snapped, you know? I just couldn't take it. And then when it's family getting sick and dying, well that little section that I thought was controllable? Yeah, it wasn't. It was invaded and attacked and I had nowhere to go. No one to turn to. And so I just shut down. I put up that front of slightly sad but managing but my brain was a mess. I honestly don't even know how I made it here. Here where I know I can make it. At least I know I can make it. It might take me a while and there might be set backs but I can make it. I think if I just keep telling myself that, I'll eventually get to the point where dying just doesn't seem like the better option. Where physical pain won't be necessary to stop the emotional pain. I can deal with the OCD, the social-anxiety, the loneliness, the everyday stress of life but when you add the manic ups and downs it really seems impossible sometimes. But knowing I can vent here, that I can talk to my best friends helps so much. Because I know if I get to that point again of just completely giving up, up thinking there is just nothing left, I know I still have them. That they haven't given up on me. And that they need me to not give up on me. I don't know, I've always been a giver. Seriously, it's a bit ridiculous at times. But I know that even if I can't do it for me, I can do it for someone else. Maybe one day I'll be able to do it for me but until then as long as I can remember that I do have someone to fight for (even if it is just my kitten) it won't be so easy for me to give in to the bad thoughts. Sure I'll still be fighting them tooth and nail but I know that I can make it. Because I have to.