I'm Still Here

I know it's been a while since I've been here. Almost two months. But honestly, I just had no desire to write about anything. Actually, I had no desire to do anything. I could feel myself slipping downhill but I just didn't have any energy left to fight it. I had fought it for so long and nothing was working so I just gave up. Not good I know. But I made it through. I guess I should really say that I am *making* it through. I'm still not there yet, not even close, but I'm back to fighting. Even if it seems futile on most days. 

Anyways, I know part of the reason I was slipping deeper into my depression was the fact that I was dreading October. You know Green Days "Wake Me Up When September Ends?" Well, change September to October and you have my feelings about this month. I absolutely positively hate this month. Sure I love fall, pumpkins, crunchy leaves, and cooler temperatures but I hate one day of this month so much that it ruins the entire thing for me. My grandpa died in October when I was 16. I know most people understand hating the day of a loved one's death but usually it's just a day, not the entire month. But I've so many emotions about that day (namely guilt) that every day is just a build up of those feelings. And every October for the past 11 years have been bad. Some were worse than others (like the 5 year and 10 year anniversaries. Seriously, why do the "big number" anniversaries suck just that much more?) but usually I could deal with it. Not this year...

I know part of the reason this month is so much harder than normal is that I'm still dealing with losing granny. But even before losing her, I could  feel myself dropping. And no matter how much I fought it, I couldn't stop it from happening. And I had to deal with so many people getting sick from cancer (seriously, w/in 2 years I've known 2 people to die from the disease and three others to be diagnosed and fight it) and just everyday stuff and graduating from school and not knowing what to do now and it just was too much. I don't even know if a stable person could deal with all the changes and challenges. And it just didn't seem worth the fight anymore. Nothing was making a difference. No matter what you do, you can't control the world around you. But I could control my little section. I could control it as long as I didn't leave it. But you can't stay holed up. You have to leave that safety zone. And I don't know...it's like I snapped, you know? I just couldn't take it. And then when it's family getting sick and dying, well that little section that I thought was controllable? Yeah, it wasn't. It was invaded and attacked and I had nowhere to go. No one to turn to. And so I just shut down. I put up that front of slightly sad but managing but my brain was a mess. I honestly don't even know how I made it here. Here where I know I can make it. At least I know I can make it. It might take me a while and there might be set backs but I can make it. I think if I just keep telling myself that, I'll eventually get to the point where dying just doesn't seem like the better option. Where physical pain won't be necessary to stop the emotional pain. I can deal with the OCD, the social-anxiety, the loneliness, the everyday stress of life but when you add the manic ups and downs it really seems impossible sometimes. But knowing I can vent here, that I can talk to my best friends helps so much. Because I know if I get to that point again of just completely giving up, up thinking there is just nothing left, I know I still have them. That they haven't given up on me. And that they need me to not give up on me. I don't know, I've always been a giver. Seriously, it's a bit ridiculous at times. But I know that even if I can't do it for me, I can do it for someone else. Maybe one day I'll be able to do it for me but until then as long as I can remember that I do have someone to fight for (even if it is just my kitten) it won't be so easy for me to give in to the bad thoughts. Sure I'll still be fighting them tooth and nail but I know that I can make it. Because I have to. 

Are Thank You Notes Really Necessary?

Let me start off by saying I'm not talking about your standard thank you note situations. They are a must for any type of baby, wedding, birthday, graduation, etc. event. I'm not completely disregarding manners here ;) No, what I'm talking about is thank you notes that you send out after a funeral. Not exactly a moment in your life where proper etiquette is going to be on your mind. And yet, you are forced by societal conventions to break out the pen and write. That brings up my first question: Who in the hell are you supposed to send one to anyways? There are the obvious answers, such as those who sent flowers, made a donation, helped with the gathering, but I'm not talking about them. It's more along the lines of those that simply attended the visitation/funeral, sent a card, or both. If you knew the person who passed away, it makes sense that you would do these things. Yes, you've gone a little out of your way for the card, but wouldn't you always want to attend the funeral? I wouldn't consider that a gesture deserving of recognition from the family. Often when you go the funeral, it's for your own personal sake. It's so that you can get closure, so that you can "properly" mourn the passing of someone you knew. In simple terms, no it doesn't deserve a thank you.

Ok, so maybe that one was an easy point to make. After all, not everyone who simply attends or writes a card expects a note of gratitude. So what about the others I mentioned? Those that sent flowers, made a donation, or helped out in some other manner. Most would say yes, of course they deserve something. And I agree. They do deserve something. They deserve a special hug, a special thank you in person, a special moment that is just between you and them right there in that moment. That moment where you can both mourn together, where you can comfort each other, where they can see how truly grateful you are for the special effort they made and how much it really did matter. You can't get that in a thank you note. There is no way to put those feelings into written form. You just can't do it. I had those moments at my grandmother's funeral in May. I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are a treasure to me. And I know that the people I shared them with treasure them as well. No note is going to do any of that justice. But because it's expected, I do it. I write the thank yous. And what do I get from it? An overwhelming sense of loss. Loss because I can never get my Granny back. Loss because those I shared these moments with people who miss her just like I do. Loss because I have to relive those moments, those feelings, all over again. But this time I'm all by myself. They aren't there to hug me. They aren't there to reassure me that I can get through this. Instead, I'm stuck writing a note that I don't want to write, all by myself, crying and feeling like I could go off at any moment. And I like to think that the people I'm writing these notes for wouldn't want me to be like that. I know they wouldn't. I know they would tell me to just stop. They know I'm thankful for them and their actions, that it is enough for them. They don't need a written confirmation of how I feel. So why do we feel like we must do this? My friend lost her mother to cancer a few years ago and she said when she wrote her thank yous, she simply put a quote in each one and cried the entire time. I fail to see how that's helpful in anyway to the one grieving. To her it was something that she had to do even though it was the last thing on her mind to do. Just like me, all it did was remind her of her loss.  I can't see how that makes a thank you note mean anything.

And it simply proves my point: this is something the majority of us go through. We do something because we are expected to. Because it is the polite thing to do. Well, how about this! We don't do it because it causes us pain. Because it can never replace a personal thank you that you've already given to the person. Because it isn't worth the effort when there are some many other things we should be focused on at that moment. Like healing. Granny's funeral was mid-May. Now it's mid-August. Apparently I should have had all the notes done by June. Instead, I spent that time with my family. I spent it reliving memories. I spent it learning new details I never knew about her. I spent it going through photo albums and vacation diaries. I spent it doing something that actually brought me comfort. That helped me to grieve and maybe be just a little bit less sad. I think that's way more important.

Giving This A Try

So this is somewhat new for me. I'm not normally one to express my thoughts in writing but when it gets to the point where you can't hold them in any longer, you need an outlet. And this outlet just happens to let me edit those feelings along with giving me some anonymity. That's really the key here. Most people in my life know about my depression and anxiety but only a few know how severe they can get. Maybe this way I can protect those that don't know from worrying while still doing something that will help me. Fingers crossed anyways ;)

Anyway, I'm not really sure how to start off but I guess I'll just layout what's been happening in the past year or so that's gotten me to this breaking point. So here goes: my uncle was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (he's currently in remission), my close friend was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (currently in remission but it's only been a few months), my grandmother had a mini stroke, was diagnosed with CMML and passed aways from a different stroke due to her cancer in May, and a very close friend (she's like family) is getting ready to go through treatment for Breast Cancer. So you can see, lot's of cancer and a lot of not knowing what was/is going to happen. Not to mention when my grandma passed away, my only grandma and last grandparent was gone within the span of THREE days. Needless to say, it's been a very crappy past two years. Add all this trauma onto my Manic Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder and it can become a complete mess in my brain.

I guess I'll just leave it at that for now though. Just letting anyone in (as if anyone will read this lol) on all that is enough to make me uncomfortable (like I said this is not normal for me). But I'm going to keep doing this. At some point, something has to work, right? So maybe this is it. Never know until I make an effort!