I'm Still Here

I know it's been a while since I've been here. Almost two months. But honestly, I just had no desire to write about anything. Actually, I had no desire to do anything. I could feel myself slipping downhill but I just didn't have any energy left to fight it. I had fought it for so long and nothing was working so I just gave up. Not good I know. But I made it through. I guess I should really say that I am *making* it through. I'm still not there yet, not even close, but I'm back to fighting. Even if it seems futile on most days. 

Anyways, I know part of the reason I was slipping deeper into my depression was the fact that I was dreading October. You know Green Days "Wake Me Up When September Ends?" Well, change September to October and you have my feelings about this month. I absolutely positively hate this month. Sure I love fall, pumpkins, crunchy leaves, and cooler temperatures but I hate one day of this month so much that it ruins the entire thing for me. My grandpa died in October when I was 16. I know most people understand hating the day of a loved one's death but usually it's just a day, not the entire month. But I've so many emotions about that day (namely guilt) that every day is just a build up of those feelings. And every October for the past 11 years have been bad. Some were worse than others (like the 5 year and 10 year anniversaries. Seriously, why do the "big number" anniversaries suck just that much more?) but usually I could deal with it. Not this year...

I know part of the reason this month is so much harder than normal is that I'm still dealing with losing granny. But even before losing her, I could  feel myself dropping. And no matter how much I fought it, I couldn't stop it from happening. And I had to deal with so many people getting sick from cancer (seriously, w/in 2 years I've known 2 people to die from the disease and three others to be diagnosed and fight it) and just everyday stuff and graduating from school and not knowing what to do now and it just was too much. I don't even know if a stable person could deal with all the changes and challenges. And it just didn't seem worth the fight anymore. Nothing was making a difference. No matter what you do, you can't control the world around you. But I could control my little section. I could control it as long as I didn't leave it. But you can't stay holed up. You have to leave that safety zone. And I don't know...it's like I snapped, you know? I just couldn't take it. And then when it's family getting sick and dying, well that little section that I thought was controllable? Yeah, it wasn't. It was invaded and attacked and I had nowhere to go. No one to turn to. And so I just shut down. I put up that front of slightly sad but managing but my brain was a mess. I honestly don't even know how I made it here. Here where I know I can make it. At least I know I can make it. It might take me a while and there might be set backs but I can make it. I think if I just keep telling myself that, I'll eventually get to the point where dying just doesn't seem like the better option. Where physical pain won't be necessary to stop the emotional pain. I can deal with the OCD, the social-anxiety, the loneliness, the everyday stress of life but when you add the manic ups and downs it really seems impossible sometimes. But knowing I can vent here, that I can talk to my best friends helps so much. Because I know if I get to that point again of just completely giving up, up thinking there is just nothing left, I know I still have them. That they haven't given up on me. And that they need me to not give up on me. I don't know, I've always been a giver. Seriously, it's a bit ridiculous at times. But I know that even if I can't do it for me, I can do it for someone else. Maybe one day I'll be able to do it for me but until then as long as I can remember that I do have someone to fight for (even if it is just my kitten) it won't be so easy for me to give in to the bad thoughts. Sure I'll still be fighting them tooth and nail but I know that I can make it. Because I have to. 

Living in a Dream World

Have you ever had that feeling where it's almost as if you're in a dream? It's a strange feeling isn't it? This is a main sign of my anxiety disorder but I still am not sure exactly what it is. I know part of it is because it's such a weird feeling to describe. All the things you are feeling or not feeling are so hard to put words to. It's like you're floating, but not. You're separate from your surroundings, but not. Life slows down. Any movement you make feels like it's in slow motion, but not. See what I mean? How exactly do you really describe it? I certainly have tried but my doctor still isn't sure what I mean. I know when it happens though. When I'm having a panic attack or I'm extremely stressed. I tend to notice it most when I'm getting ready to go do something (a trigger for my anxiety). In the shower it's like I can feel every single drop of water from the shower head. Any movement I make feels slowed down and extremely deliberate. Plus there's that tingly feeling. Like you need to shake something off but you can't. Anyways, I've been having these moments a lot more lately and I don't like not knowing exactly what it is.

Playing Catch-Up

So with all the emotional upheaval that has been my life lately, I constantly feel like I'm playing catch-up. Catch-up with my emotions, catch-up with my friends, catch-up with my responsibilities, etc. It's like I can never get ahead and if I even FEEL like I'm just barely making even, there's another setback. Sometimes it's a reminder of Granny that forces me to relive the fact that she's never coming back. Maybe it's waiting on my friend's tests results so we can know what her treatment options are. Or it's learning my uncle is going in for his regularly scheduled PET scan and waiting on pins and needles to learn the results. All of these things are constantly going on so any little gain I make seems useless. What's the point of forcing myself to move forward when all I seem to be doing is going backwards? 

And it's not just the emotional aspects. I'm a college graduate working for a job with good pay but few hours with bills to pay. Granted, I know my student loans and credit cards are nowhere near as bad as most people that have to pay their way through college but they are still there. And they are still forcing me to live at home and feel as if I'm never going to get that moment to just move on. I can't afford to move out. I just can't. I've crunched numbers, I've looked at other jobs. More hours for less pay isn't any better than a few hours at higher pay. And all of it just sucks. That's all there is to it. IT SUCKS!!!! It's this feeling of being trapped but living as if it's my choice. It's awful. I'm lying to myself every time I put on this front but I can't stop. Cause if I stop, who's going to judge me? Answer: Everyone I know. If I don't stop, who's judging me? Answer: Me. And I can live with myself casting judgments on my actions and decisions but not anyone else. Even if it means not going anywhere. 

I don't know. Maybe one day I'll be able to move forward and gain some ground. But it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. 

Giving This A Try

So this is somewhat new for me. I'm not normally one to express my thoughts in writing but when it gets to the point where you can't hold them in any longer, you need an outlet. And this outlet just happens to let me edit those feelings along with giving me some anonymity. That's really the key here. Most people in my life know about my depression and anxiety but only a few know how severe they can get. Maybe this way I can protect those that don't know from worrying while still doing something that will help me. Fingers crossed anyways ;)

Anyway, I'm not really sure how to start off but I guess I'll just layout what's been happening in the past year or so that's gotten me to this breaking point. So here goes: my uncle was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (he's currently in remission), my close friend was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (currently in remission but it's only been a few months), my grandmother had a mini stroke, was diagnosed with CMML and passed aways from a different stroke due to her cancer in May, and a very close friend (she's like family) is getting ready to go through treatment for Breast Cancer. So you can see, lot's of cancer and a lot of not knowing what was/is going to happen. Not to mention when my grandma passed away, my only grandma and last grandparent was gone within the span of THREE days. Needless to say, it's been a very crappy past two years. Add all this trauma onto my Manic Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder and it can become a complete mess in my brain.

I guess I'll just leave it at that for now though. Just letting anyone in (as if anyone will read this lol) on all that is enough to make me uncomfortable (like I said this is not normal for me). But I'm going to keep doing this. At some point, something has to work, right? So maybe this is it. Never know until I make an effort!