*Happy Memories*

I absolutely love this picture. It's one taken of my grandpa and I when I was probably around 6 or 7 (yes I'm a very small person lol). There was absolutely no one I adored more than my grandpa when I was little. I was his little "Anna Maria" and I'm pretty sure he thought I could do no wrong. (Somehow Granny didn't fall for that one lol) Anyways, I thought I'd post it here because it makes me happy. I spent every Friday night at my grandparents house from my very first memories until my Grandpa passed away. That's 16 years of memories just from one overnight stay a week for six months out of the year. I have so many happy memories of time spent with both of them. Whenever I feel a little down or just really missing either of them, I love to look at the pictures I have with them. I don't think there was anything they wouldn't do to keep us kids happy. But my best memories were of spending one on one time with Grandpa in his red chair. I'd always end up asleep on his lap on Saturday afternoon before going home. And I'm sure Grandpa didn't mind cause he always enjoyed a good nap, too! Even now when the windows are opened, the birds are singing, lawnmowers are buzzing in the distance, and the wind is blowing the chimes I am automatically transported back in time to those moments. It just gives me so much peace and serenity that it's hard to explain. Sometimes I just soak it up, other times I'll tell whoever is around me what memories these surroundings bring back, and sometimes I just go and take a nap to relive the moment.

As for me in general, I've actually had some pretty good days recently. Been doing a bit better and somewhat keeping my emotions on track. I've caught up on those dreaded thank-you cards but I still have more to go. I hate doing it but it still amazes me how many lives Granny touched! I did get some, I wouldn't say bad, I guess it was more upsetting news about my friend that's currently dealing with cancer. Her prognosis is still extremely good but because of the type of cancer it is, she does have to have another surgery. Just another thing that she'll have to recuperate from but I know she will. She's a tough one!! I'm also in the middle of making her a little care package. It's nothing too major since she'll only have to do radiation but it has some things that will be useful and some items that I know she'll just enjoy. Fingers crossed she likes it!! Anyways, I guess that is it for now. Time to turn off the electronics and head to bed.

Playing Catch-Up

So with all the emotional upheaval that has been my life lately, I constantly feel like I'm playing catch-up. Catch-up with my emotions, catch-up with my friends, catch-up with my responsibilities, etc. It's like I can never get ahead and if I even FEEL like I'm just barely making even, there's another setback. Sometimes it's a reminder of Granny that forces me to relive the fact that she's never coming back. Maybe it's waiting on my friend's tests results so we can know what her treatment options are. Or it's learning my uncle is going in for his regularly scheduled PET scan and waiting on pins and needles to learn the results. All of these things are constantly going on so any little gain I make seems useless. What's the point of forcing myself to move forward when all I seem to be doing is going backwards? 

And it's not just the emotional aspects. I'm a college graduate working for a job with good pay but few hours with bills to pay. Granted, I know my student loans and credit cards are nowhere near as bad as most people that have to pay their way through college but they are still there. And they are still forcing me to live at home and feel as if I'm never going to get that moment to just move on. I can't afford to move out. I just can't. I've crunched numbers, I've looked at other jobs. More hours for less pay isn't any better than a few hours at higher pay. And all of it just sucks. That's all there is to it. IT SUCKS!!!! It's this feeling of being trapped but living as if it's my choice. It's awful. I'm lying to myself every time I put on this front but I can't stop. Cause if I stop, who's going to judge me? Answer: Everyone I know. If I don't stop, who's judging me? Answer: Me. And I can live with myself casting judgments on my actions and decisions but not anyone else. Even if it means not going anywhere. 

I don't know. Maybe one day I'll be able to move forward and gain some ground. But it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon.