I'm Still Here

I know it's been a while since I've been here. Almost two months. But honestly, I just had no desire to write about anything. Actually, I had no desire to do anything. I could feel myself slipping downhill but I just didn't have any energy left to fight it. I had fought it for so long and nothing was working so I just gave up. Not good I know. But I made it through. I guess I should really say that I am *making* it through. I'm still not there yet, not even close, but I'm back to fighting. Even if it seems futile on most days. 

Anyways, I know part of the reason I was slipping deeper into my depression was the fact that I was dreading October. You know Green Days "Wake Me Up When September Ends?" Well, change September to October and you have my feelings about this month. I absolutely positively hate this month. Sure I love fall, pumpkins, crunchy leaves, and cooler temperatures but I hate one day of this month so much that it ruins the entire thing for me. My grandpa died in October when I was 16. I know most people understand hating the day of a loved one's death but usually it's just a day, not the entire month. But I've so many emotions about that day (namely guilt) that every day is just a build up of those feelings. And every October for the past 11 years have been bad. Some were worse than others (like the 5 year and 10 year anniversaries. Seriously, why do the "big number" anniversaries suck just that much more?) but usually I could deal with it. Not this year...

I know part of the reason this month is so much harder than normal is that I'm still dealing with losing granny. But even before losing her, I could  feel myself dropping. And no matter how much I fought it, I couldn't stop it from happening. And I had to deal with so many people getting sick from cancer (seriously, w/in 2 years I've known 2 people to die from the disease and three others to be diagnosed and fight it) and just everyday stuff and graduating from school and not knowing what to do now and it just was too much. I don't even know if a stable person could deal with all the changes and challenges. And it just didn't seem worth the fight anymore. Nothing was making a difference. No matter what you do, you can't control the world around you. But I could control my little section. I could control it as long as I didn't leave it. But you can't stay holed up. You have to leave that safety zone. And I don't know...it's like I snapped, you know? I just couldn't take it. And then when it's family getting sick and dying, well that little section that I thought was controllable? Yeah, it wasn't. It was invaded and attacked and I had nowhere to go. No one to turn to. And so I just shut down. I put up that front of slightly sad but managing but my brain was a mess. I honestly don't even know how I made it here. Here where I know I can make it. At least I know I can make it. It might take me a while and there might be set backs but I can make it. I think if I just keep telling myself that, I'll eventually get to the point where dying just doesn't seem like the better option. Where physical pain won't be necessary to stop the emotional pain. I can deal with the OCD, the social-anxiety, the loneliness, the everyday stress of life but when you add the manic ups and downs it really seems impossible sometimes. But knowing I can vent here, that I can talk to my best friends helps so much. Because I know if I get to that point again of just completely giving up, up thinking there is just nothing left, I know I still have them. That they haven't given up on me. And that they need me to not give up on me. I don't know, I've always been a giver. Seriously, it's a bit ridiculous at times. But I know that even if I can't do it for me, I can do it for someone else. Maybe one day I'll be able to do it for me but until then as long as I can remember that I do have someone to fight for (even if it is just my kitten) it won't be so easy for me to give in to the bad thoughts. Sure I'll still be fighting them tooth and nail but I know that I can make it. Because I have to. 

Living in a Dream World

Have you ever had that feeling where it's almost as if you're in a dream? It's a strange feeling isn't it? This is a main sign of my anxiety disorder but I still am not sure exactly what it is. I know part of it is because it's such a weird feeling to describe. All the things you are feeling or not feeling are so hard to put words to. It's like you're floating, but not. You're separate from your surroundings, but not. Life slows down. Any movement you make feels like it's in slow motion, but not. See what I mean? How exactly do you really describe it? I certainly have tried but my doctor still isn't sure what I mean. I know when it happens though. When I'm having a panic attack or I'm extremely stressed. I tend to notice it most when I'm getting ready to go do something (a trigger for my anxiety). In the shower it's like I can feel every single drop of water from the shower head. Any movement I make feels slowed down and extremely deliberate. Plus there's that tingly feeling. Like you need to shake something off but you can't. Anyways, I've been having these moments a lot more lately and I don't like not knowing exactly what it is.

*Happy Memories*

I absolutely love this picture. It's one taken of my grandpa and I when I was probably around 6 or 7 (yes I'm a very small person lol). There was absolutely no one I adored more than my grandpa when I was little. I was his little "Anna Maria" and I'm pretty sure he thought I could do no wrong. (Somehow Granny didn't fall for that one lol) Anyways, I thought I'd post it here because it makes me happy. I spent every Friday night at my grandparents house from my very first memories until my Grandpa passed away. That's 16 years of memories just from one overnight stay a week for six months out of the year. I have so many happy memories of time spent with both of them. Whenever I feel a little down or just really missing either of them, I love to look at the pictures I have with them. I don't think there was anything they wouldn't do to keep us kids happy. But my best memories were of spending one on one time with Grandpa in his red chair. I'd always end up asleep on his lap on Saturday afternoon before going home. And I'm sure Grandpa didn't mind cause he always enjoyed a good nap, too! Even now when the windows are opened, the birds are singing, lawnmowers are buzzing in the distance, and the wind is blowing the chimes I am automatically transported back in time to those moments. It just gives me so much peace and serenity that it's hard to explain. Sometimes I just soak it up, other times I'll tell whoever is around me what memories these surroundings bring back, and sometimes I just go and take a nap to relive the moment.

As for me in general, I've actually had some pretty good days recently. Been doing a bit better and somewhat keeping my emotions on track. I've caught up on those dreaded thank-you cards but I still have more to go. I hate doing it but it still amazes me how many lives Granny touched! I did get some, I wouldn't say bad, I guess it was more upsetting news about my friend that's currently dealing with cancer. Her prognosis is still extremely good but because of the type of cancer it is, she does have to have another surgery. Just another thing that she'll have to recuperate from but I know she will. She's a tough one!! I'm also in the middle of making her a little care package. It's nothing too major since she'll only have to do radiation but it has some things that will be useful and some items that I know she'll just enjoy. Fingers crossed she likes it!! Anyways, I guess that is it for now. Time to turn off the electronics and head to bed.

Are Thank You Notes Really Necessary?

Let me start off by saying I'm not talking about your standard thank you note situations. They are a must for any type of baby, wedding, birthday, graduation, etc. event. I'm not completely disregarding manners here ;) No, what I'm talking about is thank you notes that you send out after a funeral. Not exactly a moment in your life where proper etiquette is going to be on your mind. And yet, you are forced by societal conventions to break out the pen and write. That brings up my first question: Who in the hell are you supposed to send one to anyways? There are the obvious answers, such as those who sent flowers, made a donation, helped with the gathering, but I'm not talking about them. It's more along the lines of those that simply attended the visitation/funeral, sent a card, or both. If you knew the person who passed away, it makes sense that you would do these things. Yes, you've gone a little out of your way for the card, but wouldn't you always want to attend the funeral? I wouldn't consider that a gesture deserving of recognition from the family. Often when you go the funeral, it's for your own personal sake. It's so that you can get closure, so that you can "properly" mourn the passing of someone you knew. In simple terms, no it doesn't deserve a thank you.

Ok, so maybe that one was an easy point to make. After all, not everyone who simply attends or writes a card expects a note of gratitude. So what about the others I mentioned? Those that sent flowers, made a donation, or helped out in some other manner. Most would say yes, of course they deserve something. And I agree. They do deserve something. They deserve a special hug, a special thank you in person, a special moment that is just between you and them right there in that moment. That moment where you can both mourn together, where you can comfort each other, where they can see how truly grateful you are for the special effort they made and how much it really did matter. You can't get that in a thank you note. There is no way to put those feelings into written form. You just can't do it. I had those moments at my grandmother's funeral in May. I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are a treasure to me. And I know that the people I shared them with treasure them as well. No note is going to do any of that justice. But because it's expected, I do it. I write the thank yous. And what do I get from it? An overwhelming sense of loss. Loss because I can never get my Granny back. Loss because those I shared these moments with people who miss her just like I do. Loss because I have to relive those moments, those feelings, all over again. But this time I'm all by myself. They aren't there to hug me. They aren't there to reassure me that I can get through this. Instead, I'm stuck writing a note that I don't want to write, all by myself, crying and feeling like I could go off at any moment. And I like to think that the people I'm writing these notes for wouldn't want me to be like that. I know they wouldn't. I know they would tell me to just stop. They know I'm thankful for them and their actions, that it is enough for them. They don't need a written confirmation of how I feel. So why do we feel like we must do this? My friend lost her mother to cancer a few years ago and she said when she wrote her thank yous, she simply put a quote in each one and cried the entire time. I fail to see how that's helpful in anyway to the one grieving. To her it was something that she had to do even though it was the last thing on her mind to do. Just like me, all it did was remind her of her loss.  I can't see how that makes a thank you note mean anything.

And it simply proves my point: this is something the majority of us go through. We do something because we are expected to. Because it is the polite thing to do. Well, how about this! We don't do it because it causes us pain. Because it can never replace a personal thank you that you've already given to the person. Because it isn't worth the effort when there are some many other things we should be focused on at that moment. Like healing. Granny's funeral was mid-May. Now it's mid-August. Apparently I should have had all the notes done by June. Instead, I spent that time with my family. I spent it reliving memories. I spent it learning new details I never knew about her. I spent it going through photo albums and vacation diaries. I spent it doing something that actually brought me comfort. That helped me to grieve and maybe be just a little bit less sad. I think that's way more important.

Playing Catch-Up

So with all the emotional upheaval that has been my life lately, I constantly feel like I'm playing catch-up. Catch-up with my emotions, catch-up with my friends, catch-up with my responsibilities, etc. It's like I can never get ahead and if I even FEEL like I'm just barely making even, there's another setback. Sometimes it's a reminder of Granny that forces me to relive the fact that she's never coming back. Maybe it's waiting on my friend's tests results so we can know what her treatment options are. Or it's learning my uncle is going in for his regularly scheduled PET scan and waiting on pins and needles to learn the results. All of these things are constantly going on so any little gain I make seems useless. What's the point of forcing myself to move forward when all I seem to be doing is going backwards? 

And it's not just the emotional aspects. I'm a college graduate working for a job with good pay but few hours with bills to pay. Granted, I know my student loans and credit cards are nowhere near as bad as most people that have to pay their way through college but they are still there. And they are still forcing me to live at home and feel as if I'm never going to get that moment to just move on. I can't afford to move out. I just can't. I've crunched numbers, I've looked at other jobs. More hours for less pay isn't any better than a few hours at higher pay. And all of it just sucks. That's all there is to it. IT SUCKS!!!! It's this feeling of being trapped but living as if it's my choice. It's awful. I'm lying to myself every time I put on this front but I can't stop. Cause if I stop, who's going to judge me? Answer: Everyone I know. If I don't stop, who's judging me? Answer: Me. And I can live with myself casting judgments on my actions and decisions but not anyone else. Even if it means not going anywhere. 

I don't know. Maybe one day I'll be able to move forward and gain some ground. But it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. 

Giving This A Try

So this is somewhat new for me. I'm not normally one to express my thoughts in writing but when it gets to the point where you can't hold them in any longer, you need an outlet. And this outlet just happens to let me edit those feelings along with giving me some anonymity. That's really the key here. Most people in my life know about my depression and anxiety but only a few know how severe they can get. Maybe this way I can protect those that don't know from worrying while still doing something that will help me. Fingers crossed anyways ;)

Anyway, I'm not really sure how to start off but I guess I'll just layout what's been happening in the past year or so that's gotten me to this breaking point. So here goes: my uncle was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (he's currently in remission), my close friend was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (currently in remission but it's only been a few months), my grandmother had a mini stroke, was diagnosed with CMML and passed aways from a different stroke due to her cancer in May, and a very close friend (she's like family) is getting ready to go through treatment for Breast Cancer. So you can see, lot's of cancer and a lot of not knowing what was/is going to happen. Not to mention when my grandma passed away, my only grandma and last grandparent was gone within the span of THREE days. Needless to say, it's been a very crappy past two years. Add all this trauma onto my Manic Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder and it can become a complete mess in my brain.

I guess I'll just leave it at that for now though. Just letting anyone in (as if anyone will read this lol) on all that is enough to make me uncomfortable (like I said this is not normal for me). But I'm going to keep doing this. At some point, something has to work, right? So maybe this is it. Never know until I make an effort!