Playing Catch-Up

So with all the emotional upheaval that has been my life lately, I constantly feel like I'm playing catch-up. Catch-up with my emotions, catch-up with my friends, catch-up with my responsibilities, etc. It's like I can never get ahead and if I even FEEL like I'm just barely making even, there's another setback. Sometimes it's a reminder of Granny that forces me to relive the fact that she's never coming back. Maybe it's waiting on my friend's tests results so we can know what her treatment options are. Or it's learning my uncle is going in for his regularly scheduled PET scan and waiting on pins and needles to learn the results. All of these things are constantly going on so any little gain I make seems useless. What's the point of forcing myself to move forward when all I seem to be doing is going backwards? 

And it's not just the emotional aspects. I'm a college graduate working for a job with good pay but few hours with bills to pay. Granted, I know my student loans and credit cards are nowhere near as bad as most people that have to pay their way through college but they are still there. And they are still forcing me to live at home and feel as if I'm never going to get that moment to just move on. I can't afford to move out. I just can't. I've crunched numbers, I've looked at other jobs. More hours for less pay isn't any better than a few hours at higher pay. And all of it just sucks. That's all there is to it. IT SUCKS!!!! It's this feeling of being trapped but living as if it's my choice. It's awful. I'm lying to myself every time I put on this front but I can't stop. Cause if I stop, who's going to judge me? Answer: Everyone I know. If I don't stop, who's judging me? Answer: Me. And I can live with myself casting judgments on my actions and decisions but not anyone else. Even if it means not going anywhere. 

I don't know. Maybe one day I'll be able to move forward and gain some ground. But it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon.